BetterBehaviourSolutions: What's Wrong with My Child

"Behaviour is our best effort in a given situation with the skills we have to get what we want/need"

The answer is simple - NOTHING IS WRONG

Every behaviour has a positive intent for the person exhibiting the specific behaviour. People continue to use a certain set of behaviours (skills) because that set of behaviours (skills) actually continues to work for them. I use the word skill as we learn our behaviour patterns and refine them through practice and repetition.

Think about this. Would you continue to use a particular behaviour if you failed to get your desired result. What do wise people say.....'The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing but expect a different result', this situation obviously leads to continued disappointment and frustration. However it also provides us with part of the answer. We must change something. What a little later.

This brings me to the first of a number of principles relating to behaviour that I will cover throughout my future blogs.

Principle One: You can not make anyone but yourself do anything. Therefore you need to control or manage yourself in order to influence the behaviour of anyone else.

If we can only mange and control ourselves, then it becomes logical that in order to influence the 'inappropriate' behaviour of others (our sons or daughters, other significant others) we must make changes to our approach (what we are doing). Think about it, don't women influence men by putting on some seductive lingerie, cooking a favorite meal...... Men don't we influence women by doing those little things prior to being asked? And usually in order to soften them up to ask for what we want.

So we have the first piece in the puzzle to changing someones behaviour. Change our behaviours.

Mothers have been doing this forever, ignoring the child who is behaving inappropriately or even in the 'olden' days when a child would say "I'm bored" mum would distract them by giving them some insignificant task or saying "go outside and find something to do" mum knew the benefit of changing focus.This distraction methods is excellent for stopping a child in the middle of a well rehearsed tantrum, and I will go into this method in a future Blog.

For the moment let's start by taking some time to think about these situation that cause us the most frustration and attempt to devise alternative reactions (yes reactions because we usually react rather than think things through on the spot - we did to retrain ourselves) that we can use and practice next time certain frustrating situation arise.

Here are some suggestions.
Your son has great difficulty putting his dirty clothes in the washing basket. (simple one)

Mum: you usually just pick up after them and 'nag' them to put their clothes in the basket (Am I right).
Now lets think at present the son still gets his clothes washed and put away without doing anything but have to listen to mum have a nag. All he wants is clean clothes, put away and not have to do anything. For who is this behaviour working - NOT MUM who continues to be frustrated but continues to pick up after him.

Try This: place the dirty clothes on the child's bed, only wash those clothes that actually make it to the washing basket. And now the important bit, we need to help the child learn why it is important to you (and them in future) when he has a whinge about no clean clothes, or his washing not being done, you can explain in a quiet and controlled voice ' the rule is clothes for washing are placed in the washing basket, clothes not in the basket do not need washing' and you can also advise him as to how it makes you feel unappreciated when you are ignored and have to pick up after him in order to keep the home clean and presentable for visitors and friends.