THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART SIX – THE PASSIVE RESISTER

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

 

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART SIX – THE PASSIVE RESISTER

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are:          Manipulators

                        Negotiators

                        Debaters

                        Competitors

                        Dare Devils

                        Passive Resisters

The Passive Resistor (Mahatma Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi): is usually vague, secretive and disorganised, they tend to move through life slowly. They tend to be unaware of things ie ‘why didn’t you do your homework?’ they would reply ‘what homework?’ They have a tendency to infuriate and drive their parents mad.

Passive resisters are often very bright and very sensitive and can retreat and avoid life in order to avoid failure, and like competitors don’t care much for consequences. They tend to have a style of learned ‘helplessness’ which is passive and appear to hope that all will go away.  They appear calm on the outside and often retreat from life and become very private about their thoughts and feelings. They often lose possessions and appear not to listen of take in information. These kids are minimalists in both action and verbal conversations, often with one word answers.

 

What does not work for these kids is yelling, insisting, pleading, trying to be a motivational coach or guessing what they are thinking. However, frequently an increase in responsibility brings about desire change.

The best way to influence these kids is to build a positive relationship. During this relationship building phase look directly at them when talking to them and do not accept shrugs and one word answers. Basically you need to think of decreasing pressure and increasing presence. They need to know that it is not an option to avoid some family interaction. Look for opportunities to their confidence and competence by caring for others or pets.

 

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART FIVE – THE DARE DEVIL

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

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THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART FIVE – THE DARE DEVIL

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are:          Manipulators

                        Negotiators

                        Debaters

                        Competitors

                        Dare Devils

                        Passive Resisters

 Owner%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List">The Dare Devil (Steve Irwin, Evel Knievel, Harry Houdini): is the child always reporting to the lost counter t the local show. Parenting these kids is like being involved in an extreme sport.

These kids are high attention-seekers and they just love a challenge, especially with thrills and excitement. They often excel in careers such as emergency service workers, fire-fighters, police officers or stunt performers. Unfortunately they are not great forward planners.

 

They are often very sweet natured and have no intent on causing concern or worry and in fact as they have little to no fear they it is rare that the thought you may be alarmed never enters their head. It fact the love these kids have for intensity means they often do not think things though.

As we are not going to be able to wean these kids away from their thrills and spills we need to find more positive forms of risk taking such as motocross, paintball, camping etc.

Again in conflict situations it is beneficial to remove conflict away from the audience as these kids have a reputation t uphold and maintain. These kids are very optimistic and so often overestimate their own abilities. To combat this we need to assist them to think things through and develop effective sequencing by asking lots of questions when they are planning something.

                                                                                               

Although this can be like pulling teeth, it does help prepare them for the risks they are about to undertake. In addition some relaxation, visualisation and mental imagery coupled with concentration exercises will assist them to become more focused

 

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART FOUR – THE COMPETITOR

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART FOUR – THE COMPETITOR

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are:          Manipulators

                        Negotiators

                        Debaters

                        Competitors

                        Dare Devils

                        Passive Resisters

The Competitor (Lance Armstrong, Winston Churchill): has an incredible spirit, and can conquer the world. These kids like to boast, and do not handle losing well. They are best summarised by ‘second place is first of the losers’. When faced with conflict they build a fortress for their stance.

Competitors are defiant to the extreme, and need to win at all cost. They are happy to cut off their nose to spite their face. They are often sponges to attention and will often do anything to avoid losing face.

When dealing with a competitor it is important to firstly realise that consequences hold little fear and make little difference to them. If you ground them, they will say fine ground me I’m happy in my room.

Again these kids love an audience and so never enter into conflict with a competitor in the presence of an audience as you will loose. Competitors respond best when parents challenge them, however be careful not to directly ‘bet’ your child. Use third person challenges such as “not many people would believe that you could…..” or “not many people would believe you were responsible enough to…..”

                                    

Do not compare their performance to others but rather to their past performances. One oversight often seen with these kids is that because winning comes so naturally t these kids we can overlook the fact that they are not good at just playing games. Look fr opportunities to involve them in activities that are not competitive, there is no winner or loser, such as theatre sports or drama. Competitors are usually good at taking responsibility and it is important to ensure that they have a few age appropriate areas of responsibility in order to assist their development.

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART THREE – THE DEBATER

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART THREE – THE DEBATER

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are:          Manipulators

                        Negotiators

                        Debaters

                        Competitors

                        Dare Devils

                        Passive Resisters

The Debater (Margaret Thatcher, Jerry Springer, JFK): are characterised by the ‘what about me’ syndrome, they want to hold everyone else accountable. They have an overdeveloped sense of justice, fairness and balance of right and wrong. They are very determined and verbal kids and this is a deadly combination.

Debaters are energetic and driven for their cause. Unfortunately they need to learn a variety of sills for social interaction and often are not tuned into their own emotions. They can often suffer from a sense of insecurity as to whether they are good enough or loveable enough.

As Debaters are very verbal children that can tie you up in conversation and never-ending debate particularly relating to the fairness or unfairness of a situation  it is important that you commit to not debating them foe long periods of time. Instead respond with affection. Deal with their hurt feelings and offer understanding rather than pity, and place importance on setting up situations and opportunities where they can experience success.

Finally, set up a special time each week for these kids with a definite start and finish where they know that the time belongs to them and they will not have to struggle and complain to maintain your attention. They are on a basic level ‘attention seekers’.

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART TWO – THE NEGOTIATOR

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

 

 THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART TWO – THE NEGOTIATOR

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are:          Manipulators

                        Negotiators

                        Debaters

                        Competitors

                        Dare Devils

                        Passive Resisters

The Negotiator (Bart Simpson, Dennis the Menace): these kids are really switched on; they are the wheelers and dealers of the world. They are very street smart, and can engage people with their humour, which enables most people to basically like them.

Negotiators are cunning and funny and attempt to control by resisting directions and requests, whist engaging people through being the pranksters and jokester, and unfortunately appear to not know when enough is enough. They avoid areas of possible failure by distraction

There is one Golden rule when dealing with negotiators and that is to pick your battles; Negotiators will

always have more energy to put into a battle than any parent. Be very careful not to allow times where you show affection for your child to become time for them to negotiate.

As negotiators love an audience, do your negotiating with them away form the audience. Make sure you have an immovable and clear bottom line before you negotiate. Don’t fight or give into a negotiator, and in times of conflict, step back and calm down, it is not your aim for them to submit to your will but to have them develop integrity and consideration for others.

Negotiators are often impressed by rewards and a small prize can often be more effective than praise, especially if they believe that they have beaten the odds to achieve it. Use tangible rewards such as free time, and stickers rather than praise alone.

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART ONE – THE MANIPULATOR

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

 

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART ONE – THE MANIPULATOR

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are:          Manipulators

                        Negotiators

                        Debaters

                        Competitors

                        Dare Devils

                        Passive Resisters

The Manipulator (Henry Kissinger, Angelica - Rugrats): these are kids who have the ability to wrap people, especially adults, around their little finger, and they often dominate and control other people. Manipulators can often become Bullies and then turn to playing ‘cute’ when adults are around. They are single minded and like to take charge and tell people what to do. They often have successful careers in business and high level corporate life.

Manipulators are excellent at adapting their behaviour to suit their environment and so their behaviours can vary significantly in different settings. They know how to push buttons to get their way, and when they fall out it is usually in a big way. They not only need to be the centre of attention but they have a driven desire to be the best at any cost. Their motto can be summed up in ‘the end justifies the means’ and will often lie and bring down others in order to win.

The best way to begin to change a manipulator into a reciprocator is to increase your surveillance, get them to come along with you on outings such as shopping and small errands. They may protest, but persevere as these kids need to basically be over-parented. Best results are achieved when they are not left to their own devises but are always being included or accompanied by an adult, or have an adult always keeping an eye on them.

 

How Body Chemistry Affects Mood

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

How Body Chemistry Affects Mood

We all get into moods. Children and especially adolescent teenagers are experts at using moods to get what they want. Interestingly their mood can change almost instantly once their need has been met or satisfied.

Research has shown that our body chemistry (the chemicals released by our body) has a significant influence upon our moods and therefore our behaviour. In fact it is unlikely that we can change our behaviour without initially changing our mood.

The brain is by far nature’s best pharmacy and is constantly influencing the release of chemicals within our body. Of particular interest to parents of children with challenging behaviours are the four chemicals that specifically influence our moods, being; adrenaline (the action drug; our fight or flight drug, not known for reasoned decisions), Cortisol (the stress drug), Dopamine (the switched on party drug) and Serotonin (the body’s own antidepressant). For parents of children with challenging behaviours the lowering of levels of both adrenaline and cortisol couples with an increase in levels of Dopamine and Serotonin can assist in the managing and changing challenging behaviour.

Excess levels of Adrenaline are associated with silly ‘hypo’ behaviour, high levels of restlessness, difficulty going to sleep, difficulty shifting attention and appearing busy without actually achieving anything (all revved up and no where to go). Excess levels of the hormone Coritsol (which is released with Adrenaline) is indicated a lowering of language functioning (difficulty expressing one’s self), a non specific sense of worry and being on edge, being overly defensive or frequently over reacting and having difficulty in organising and prioritizing.

Increasing the levels of Dopamine and Serotonin can assist in managing and influencing challenging behaviours. Dopamine creates a switched on pumped up state associated with pleasure and motivation. Dopamine levels change throughout our development and its levels, not surprisingly, are low in adolescent teenagers. Dopamine is our naturally produced mood changing drug. Low levels of Dopamine are associated with difficulty focusing on things, a lack of motivation, lethargy and tiredness, and a general lack of interest in things.

Serotonin is the body’s natural antidepressant, and creates a slow high that is essential for calm and considered decision making. Evidence of low levels of Serotonin are a child who is uncommunicative, slow to get going in the morning, who sees everything as a chore, and demonstrates a reluctance to join in activities.

In order to decrease the levels of Adrenaline and increase the levels of Dopamine it is important to have the child participate in enjoyable activities or challenging games, whilst develop and maintain routines, be well organised and provide clear and concise directions.

To increase the levels of Serotonin and decrease the levels of Cortisol, parents can praise their child regularly and take pride in their achievements, be affectionate, speak calmly (don’t yell), play relaxing music, play games and get them involved in activities. Watch their diet for excessive sugar etc, encourage then to drink more water and ensure they are getting enough sleep.

Punishment and Consequence. What’s the Difference?

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

Punishment and Consequence. What’s the Difference?

When dealing with influencing any person’s behaviour, it is not uncommon to comes across what I term the ‘versus’ factor. That is two opposing points of view. For example; Encouragement vs Praise, Logical Consequence vs Punishment, Consistency vs Equality, or Cooperation vs Competition.

Each of these raises their head from time to time and need to be dealt with. So let’s focus on probably the most common one that people get into trouble with. The reason for this is that it tends to be human nature to seek revenge or retribution for any indiscretion.  Let’s look at Logical Consequence as opposed to Punishment.

Firstly lets define the two so as we have a clear perspective of each. Specifically when looking at influencing inappropriate behaviour the term ‘punishment’ refers to any consequence that decreases the likelihood that a particular or specific behaviour will be repeated.  It does not necessarily mean the administering of unpleasant or undesirable consequences, though this is by far the most popular definition and use of the term according to teachers and parents.

Punishment in its aversive form is frequently arbitrary, having no logical connection with the inappropriate behaviour that triggered its application. Teachers are of particular note here if punishments that in no way logical and are purely arbitrary i.e. Jonathan calls out in class and is made to stay in at lunchtime; Sam fails to hand in his homework and has to pick up papers in the playground at morning tea. 

The focus of punishment is on retribution, getting even by making the student suffer for their sins, and the choice of punishments is often at the discretion of the teacher and therefore can be highly subjective and emotive. Within the educational environment the role of punishment is thus limited to teaching the student that the teacher has all the power, and compliance is the best way of avoiding pain and suffering.  This was the rationale behind the cane, the smack, the belt and other forms of corporal punishment, and is still the rationale behind the issuing of lines (“Write out 200 times ‘I will not chew in class’”), paper duty (“Pick up 50 papers for me”), detention and loss of ‘fun’ activities such as sport (“You waste my time and I’ll waste yours”). 

Parents need to be aware of the same downfalls when attempting to influence their child’s behaviour. Punishment in its aversive form can be physically and emotionally damaging to children and can also be damaging to our relationship with them. Punishment creates the possibility of children developing fear or resentment towards the person who is supposed to be supporting and caring for them. They may view the punisher as a bully, and hypocritical based on the mixed messages that they send “You must respect others”; “Hitting is bad”.

However, Logical Consequences are actions taken in response to behaviour, that are designed to stop the behaviour in the current situation, repair any damage done to the relationships with those involved, and prevent the offender from re-offending in the future.  The focus is on restitution and rehabilitation.  Logical consequences have a ‘cause-effect’ relationship with the triggering behaviour, whether that behaviour is appropriate or inappropriate. 

Unlike punishment, logical consequences can also be positive.   The ‘cause-effect’ relationship is structured carefully to ensure that, unlike natural consequences, the impact is as immediate as possible and does not endanger student welfare. Within a school or classroom environment a teacher may use logical consequences such as “Brian, if you keep swinging on your chair, I will have to ask you to take your work and sit on the carpet”:  “Keith, if you tease Susan again you will be moved to the desk in the corner”.  A key to logical consequences is that they usually involve prior warning and the offering of choice, which is respectful and promotes self-responsibility for behaviour i.e.” John, you can do your Maths now, or you can do it in your own time at morning tea. I’ll be back in a minute to see what your decision is”.

Logical consequences are clearly established and agreed when setting rules or expectations for appropriate behaviour. The logical nature of the consequences means that they can be delivered non-emotively and, when received help to focus attention on the behaviour triggering the consequence rather than any perceived power of the person imposing them. The consequence should be fair, immediate, and clearly defined in terms of where, when, how and why, aimed at avoiding any form of physical or emotional impact on the student.  The fairness and non-emotive delivery of logical consequences help to maintain positive relationships .  Unlike punishments, which are often generic, the magnitude of the logical consequence matches the magnitude of the behaviour offence, and there is always an attainable endpoint. 

Consequence vs Punishment example for schools

Offence                                   Punishment                            Logical Consequence

Calling Out                                            Lunchtime detention                          5 minute ‘No contribution’                                                               rule applied

Failure to do homework                     Miss sport to complete                       Negotiate how/when to be                                                                                                                                                 completed

Bullying (teasing)                                1 week playground withdrawal         Mediation/Apology to victim           

Dropping Litter                                     Pick up 20 pieces of paper                 Pick up the litter that was                                                                                                                                   dropped

Backchat                                              Lunchtime detention/                         1 minute discussion/Private                                                               Public apology                                     apology

                                                                                                                                                               

 

            One final note on logical consequences.  Always favour the certainty of the consequence over the magnitude or even the immediacy of the consequence.  Once a child has overstepped the mark and earned themselves an enforced consequence, you must follow-through with this, and preferably as soon as possible.  If it involves any type of withdrawal from the setting, or loss of personal time, then make this a finite and short time.