The Sources of Inappropriate Behaviour

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

The Sources of Inappropriate Behaviour

 Very simply when looking at behaviour, and in particular inappropriate behaviour we can identify 5 specific sources that are responsible for this beahviour. These five sources are Medical (medical factors), Emotional, Environmental, Organisational and Relationship. Unfortunately when attempting to address inappropriate behaviour most of us are extremely unskilled and even those with some training are really only equipped to address two of these sources, that being organisational and relationship sources, although it is possible for parents to influence the environmental/socio-economical or cultural source.

Generally teachers and parents are not equipped to diagnose medical conditions that may contribute to inappropriate behaviour, however they can assist in identifying traits of the behaviour that directly assist in its diagnosis.  Even for those parents who are medical practitioners it is suggested that they obtain further medical assistance so as to remove the emotional affects that can influence proper and full diagnosis.

Parents and teachers who commonly need t deal with childhood inappropriate behaviour are also lacking in the time and counselling skill required to address the emotional sources. This sources is often linked to Environmental sources particularly socio-economic and cultural.

Focusing upon ‘untouchable’ factors such as these amounts to a fruitless waste of time and energy. However, focus on the physical organisation (for teachers - the classroom, method of curriculum presentation, use of resources, class routines and procedures) and routines parents can begin to address and make progress towards influencing the child's behaviour. When looking at relationships (within the classroom student-student, teacher-student) and for parents within the family (supportive). Effort needs to be expended in planning for these latter factors as not only can they directly influence and control behaviour but they are also the sources we can control and influence. In addition, by doing so, we can have an indirect influence on the former three factors.

These sources are only part of the problem as for any behaviour issue there are two problems involved. One is that of the source mentioned earlier and the other is that of the actual behaviour problem. We need to be specific and acknowledge that he student actual owns the first, however we need to address both as we are the person who most desires behavioural change.

When a child behaves inappropriately, there is some motivating factor involved, stemming from one or more of the five source problems previously mentioned.  As this Source Problem is internal to the child themselves, they are the owner of it.  Ultimately, however, it will fall upon the parent/teacher to initiate some response to the Source Problem, as the child will either lack the skills or the desire to address the problem.  For the child’s behaviour to be deemed inappropriate, someone has made a judgement call regarding the behaviour in the first place.  When such a call is made, a Behaviour Problem comes into being.  No judgement call, no behaviour problem.  The ‘judge’, is generally the parent/teacher, and as the ‘keeper’ of the internal set of standards used to make the call, the parent/teacher is the owner of the behaviour problem, and is responsible for initiating some action to overcome the problem.

So it is important to realise what we can influence and control in respect to the behaviour of someone else. It is only through directing our strategies and methods at these sources can we make progress, whilst obtaining assistance from those trained in the other sources if that is what is identified. 

 

What is Needed in Order to Change Behaviour? - Leverage!

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

This is perhaps the most important aspects or issue in any behaviour changing strategy.  It has been common;y stated that in order to change/learn anything we must first of all want to change. The problem if just wanting to change is that there is no ongoing force to ensure we follow through, most of the time its just a nice idea. Remember we all continue to exhibit behaviours because they work for us (get us what we need or want).

So in order to influence change in the behaviour of our children we first of all must get some leverage, so that we have an ongoing 'force'. Lets take a quick look at leverage. What is it? ok, lets look at an extreme case to demonstrate the point. Take a mother who is scared of heights, and although it is nice to think that she could go skydiving, or mountain climbing or even clean the gutters of her house, they are all just nice ideas, there is no real reason for her to do any of these things in order to make her life enjoyable and secure (basic needs - happy).

So in order to create leverage and a reason to overcome her phobia,we could discuss the consequences of her son being caught on a ledge or roof and unable to get down with no support around to help her. Does she now have leverage, a have to reason to face and overcome her fears.

To equate this to behaviour, we need to remember that since the behaviour actually works for and benefits the person exhibiting the behaviour it is unlikely to change unless the specific behaviour ceases to be effective. So initially it is a simple thing to commence to create leverage, simply change your reaction to the behaviour.

Unfortunately, this is where most people fail, as the exhibitor of behaviour (due to continued success), initially escalates their behaviour in order to meet their needs (yell, get louder, more physical etc), and in order to change their behaviour we must not give in. By doing so we continue to reinfoirce that the behaviour is effective in getting their needs met.

So it is important to follow through, be patient and persevere with your new reactions and strategies particularity to the point where the exhibitor of the behaviour in question begins to realise that they need a new strategy because their usual well rehearsed strategy now fails to be successful for them. It is then that we can begin to teach a new behaviour that we will react to favourably and that meets everyone's needs.

Why Are They so Good at Their Bad Behaviour

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"


Let's revise; remember that all behaviour is needs driven and therefore is aimed at meeting the needs of the person carrying out the behaviour.  In addition to this, successful behaviours are generally repeated and therefore we get very good at these behaviours, we repeat and practice them as they continue to produce the desired results for us. In other words we become very well rehearsed.

Think about it, or better still, next time your child throws a tantrum or exhibits one of their common inappropriate behaviours, observe, and you will notice that they run a very well rehearsed pattern each and very time, time after time. Why would they change? They get what they need or want? they have no need to change and will not until the behaviour fails to produce the desired results.

* Warning, when you change your reaction to the behaviour, expect an escalation of that specific behaviour in the immediate future as it has always been successful, so an increase in intensity (in the mind of the person exhibiting the behaviour) should produce results and overcome your resistance.

Let highlight Principle Three: Behaviour is a skill, it is taught, learnt and practiced. 

The method to interrupt these well rehearsed behaviour patterns can be likened to placing a scratch in an old vinyl record, once scratched it can not play the full track without interruption. This is the idea of changing your reaction to the behaviour, it interrupts the person well rehearsed pattern and make them take stock and reassess, they do not have an immediate answer for your reaction because it is new an not part of their pattern (not previously dealt with and practiced).

Here's and example:
I once advised a mother on how to handle her son's outbursts and tantrums, by getting her to say "that's a silly shirt to wear with those pajamas", initially she thought I was insane as the statement had nothing to do with what his tantrum were usually about, but I encouraged her to give it a try. You see the more out there your reaction the more of a distraction from their pattern they will experience. The next day the mother found me and with great excitement stated "he stopped dead, he looked like he was lost for words", of course he did, the reaction he got was not something he was prepared for.

Remember Principle One is about changing and controlling your behaviour and reactions, in order to influence their behaviour.

Try it. Observe and note their normal pattern, and then prepared and rehearse your reaction either verbal or physical (do a little dance), remember you are trying to distract them, and if it can be with some fun and humour all the better. (Try to bring a smile to their face - that's the challenge).

What Drives Our Behaviour

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

The behaviours we exhibit assist us to navigate the world and social environment we live in. This goes some way to explaining why we all do not exhibit the same behaviours even when on the surface we are faced with a similar situation. This is because we all have differing perceptions, backgrounds and living in environments and therefore have developed differing behavioural skill sets.

Remembering that in order to influence the behaviours of others we must first assess and change our own approach and reactions. This was Principle One.

Principle Two directly relates to meeting our personal and human needs.

Principle Two: All behaviour is needs driven. 

Our behaviours are our tools to get what we want. So in looking at influencing another person behaviour we must first identify what need they are satisfying by continuing to exhibit any particular behaviour.

Remember the person exhibiting the behaviour (that in our mind is inappropriate) does not necessarily have a problem as they are successfully satisfying one or a number of their needs. Now this does not always appear on the surface to be logical. Let me explain with this example.

Have you ever wondered how some people can stay in continually violent relationships? Is it because they have no where to go? Maybe. Do they often say "it's ok, he loves we really". Here's the kicker, they stay because of two reasons, one - fear of the unknown (this I will explain later), and two this is the expression of love they have grown used to and sometimes they do not know anything different as their childhood was exactly the same.

What need is being met? A number really. Of the six basic human needs (Certainty, uncertainty (variety), Significance, Contribution, Belonging, and Influence) there is argument for a number appearing to be met; Certainty, uncertainty, are two major ones of significance, as well as a feeling to Significance (importance).

So we can appreciate that all pour behaviour is aimed at meeting one or a number of these basic human needs. Now lets think about the behaviour example given in my previous blog (the young lad who failed to place his dirty washing in the basket) behaviour and attempt to identify the basic needs that are being met.

By continually having his mother pick up after him he could be seen to be gaining a degree of significance as he is able to influence his mother and play on her need to keep a tidy house.  If his mother continues to clean up after him he may feel loved and especially if he is always presented with clean and presses clothes to wear.  His view could be 'see mum cares because she always washes and irons for me'. His need for certainty is being met because it is certain that Mum will do it.

So you can see he has no real need to change his behaviour.

We can simplify the human needs into one statement:  the need to avoid pain and gain pleasure. All human behaviour can be summarised into these two driving forces, and they are the two simple reasons why people do anything.

Let look at our young man, he avoids the pain of taking the responsibility of cleaning up after himself and gains some pleasure out of doing what he wishes. There is a basic law "we will do more to avoid pain than we will to gain pleasure".

So when attempting to influence another person behaviour we need to identify what need is being met by their present behaviour and also what pain or pleasure is involved for the individual.  

What's Wrong with My Child

"Behaviour is our best effort in a given situation with the skills we have to get what we want/need"

The answer is simple - NOTHING IS WRONG

Every behaviour has a positive intent for the person exhibiting the specific behaviour. People continue to use a certain set of behaviours (skills) because that set of behaviours (skills) actually continues to work for them. I use the word skill as we learn our behaviour patterns and refine them through practice and repetition.

Think about this. Would you continue to use a particular behaviour if you failed to get your desired result. What do wise people say.....'The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing but expect a different result', this situation obviously leads to continued disappointment and frustration. However it also provides us with part of the answer. We must change something. What a little later.

This brings me to the first of a number of principles relating to behaviour that I will cover throughout my future blogs.

Principle One: You can not make anyone but yourself do anything. Therefore you need to control or manage yourself in order to influence the behaviour of anyone else.

If we can only mange and control ourselves, then it becomes logical that in order to influence the 'inappropriate' behaviour of others (our sons or daughters, other significant others) we must make changes to our approach (what we are doing). Think about it, don't women influence men by putting on some seductive lingerie, cooking a favorite meal...... Men don't we influence women by doing those little things prior to being asked? And usually in order to soften them up to ask for what we want.

So we have the first piece in the puzzle to changing someones behaviour. Change our behaviours. 

Mothers have been doing this forever, ignoring the child who is behaving inappropriately or even in the 'olden' days when a child would say "I'm bored" mum would distract them by giving them some insignificant task or saying "go outside and find something to do" mum knew the benefit of changing focus.This distraction methods is excellent for stopping a child in the middle of a well rehearsed tantrum, and I will go into this method in a future Blog.

For the moment let's start by taking some time to think about these situation that cause us the most frustration and attempt to devise alternative reactions (yes reactions because we usually react rather than think things through on the spot - we did to retrain ourselves) that we can use and practice next time certain frustrating situation arise.

Here are some suggestions.
Your son has great difficulty putting his dirty clothes in the washing basket. (simple one)

Mum: you usually just pick up after them and 'nag' them to put their clothes in the basket (Am I right).
Now lets think at present the son still gets his clothes washed and put away without doing anything but have to listen to mum have a nag. All he wants is clean clothes, put away and not have to do anything. For who is this behaviour working - NOT MUM who continues to be frustrated but continues to pick up after him.

Try This: place the dirty clothes on the child's bed, only wash those clothes that actually make it to the washing basket. And now the important bit, we need to help the child learn why it is important to you (and them in future)  when he has a whinge about no clean clothes, or his washing not being done, you can explain in a quiet and controlled voice ' the rule is clothes for washing are placed in the washing basket, clothes not in the basket do not need washing' and you can also advise him as to how it makes you feel unappreciated when you are ignored and have to pick up after him in order to keep the home clean and presentable for visitors and friends.

Stay tuned for further Behaviour tips in my future Blogs